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| ==Biography== | ==Biography== | ||
| Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried. | |||
| A native of ], Norris has two younger brothers, one of which is Hollywood producer ]. Both of Norris's parents are half ] Indian and half ]. | |||
| The term "carnivore" was invented after Chuck Norris was spotted at a carnival eating babies. | |||
| When Norris was 12, his parents divorced and he relocated to ] with his mother and brothers. There, he finished high school and soon married his girlfriend, ]. After marriage, in 1958 Norris joined the ] as a Military Policeman and was sent to Osan Air Base ]. It was in South Korea that Norris acquired the nickname ''Chuck'' and began his training in Tang Soo Do. | |||
| Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits. | |||
| When he returned to the states he continued to act as an MP at March Air Force Base California. | |||
| Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting infers the probability of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing. | |||
| Norris was discharged in August of 1962 without ever seeing ] besides that provided on base. | |||
| Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement. | |||
| Norris has indicated in his own autobiography that he has ] in ], ], and is founder of ] ("Universal Way"). Mr. Norris has also practiced Judo, Shinto-Ryu ], and ]. He is also founder of The ] (UFAF). | |||
| Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs. | |||
| Norris returned to the ] in ], working for the ] corporation and opening a karate school, which many celebrities, including ] attended. In ], his son Mike was born. A daughter, Dina followed in ], and a second son, Eric, in ]. But another important moment happened in 1964: at a demonstration in ], Norris met the soon to be famous ], who would ingrain Norris in martial arts history forever with his portrayal as Lee's nemesis in The ]. But while the two were publicly friendly, contrary to what many (including Norris himself) state, they were not close friends. Lee had repeatedly humiliated Norris during a mock sparring session in the hotel hallway at the Long Beach International Karate Championships in 1964. And Norris had offended Lee when he publicly claimed to be a better fighter than Lee. When word got back to Lee, he called Norris and openly challenged him, threatening to drive to his school to fight (Norris was teaching his black belt class at that time). According to eye witnesses, Lee made Norris hold the phone receiver up and shout in front of his black belts, "Bruce Lee is a better fighter than me!" Later, Norris wrote an apologetic letter to Lee; the original letter is currently in the care of Lee's student, ]. Yet despite these conflicts, the two managed to set aside any differences in pursuit of their mutual film aspirations and develop a friendly public persona toward one another. | |||
| A blind man once stepped on Chuck Norris' shoe. Chuck replied, "Don't you know who I am? I'm Chuck Norris!" The mere mention of his name cured this man blindness. Sadly the first, last, and only thing this man ever saw, was a fatal roundhouse delivered by Chuck Norris. | |||
| ]'']] | |||
| In ], Norris became Middleweight Karate champion (non-contact), and in ], he won Karate's triple crown for the most tournament wins of the year, and the ''fighter of the year'' award by ''Black Belt'' magazine. It was also in 1969 that Norris made his acting debut, in the ] movie '']''. The greatest tragedy of Norris's life took place in 1970. His younger brother Weiland was killed in Vietnam. Norris later dedicated his Missing In Action films to his brother's memory. In ], he acted alongside Lee in the movie '']'', and in ], McQueen encouraged him to begin acting classes at the MGM Studio. | |||
| The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain. | |||
| While at acting classes his voice and drama coach was ], of '']'' fame. Harris taught Norris how to speak by putting his fingers in Norris's mouth, and stretching his mouth wide open. Norris describes Harris as the only man in the world who could get away with doing that to him. | |||
| Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month. | |||
| Norris' first starring role was ]'s '']'', and subsequent films such as '']'' (1980), '']'' (1981), and '']'' proved his increasing box office bankability. In ], Norris starred in '']'', the first of a series of POW rescue fantasies produced by Israeli cousins ] and ] and released under their ] banner. Over the next four years, Norris became Cannon's most prominent star, appearing in eight films, including '']'', '']'' and '']'', in which he co-starred with Academy Award winner ] | |||
| Chuck Norris can make a woman climax by simply pointing at her and saying "booya". | |||
| During the ] he taught karate to ], host of'']''. | |||
| To prove it isn't that big of a deal to beat cancer. Chuck Norris smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and aquired 7 different kinds of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes. Beat that, Lance Armstrong. | |||
| Norris turned down the part of Sensei Kreese in the first Karate Kid film stating that he did not want his name and/or image associated with a villainous or evil character. | |||
| In ], after 30 years of marriage, Norris and Holechek divorced. | |||
| In ], Norris founded the non-profit organization ''Kick Drugs Out of America''. It has since been renamed ]. | |||
| By the close of the ], Cannon Films had faded from prominence, and Norris' star appeal seemed to go with it. He reprised his Delta Force role for ], who had acquired the Cannon library after the latter's ] bankruptcy. Norris went on to make several more largely ignored films before making a transition to ]. In ], he began shooting the series '']'', which lasted eight years on ] and continued in heavy syndication on other channels. | |||
| The grass is always greener on the other side, unless Chuck Norris has been there. In that case the grass is most likely soaked in blood and tears. | |||
| He married again in ], this time to former model ], and she delivered twins in ]: '''Dakota Alan Norris''', a boy, and '''Danilee Kelly Norris''', a girl. Norris also owns a house and property on the ] island of ]. | |||
| Chuck Norris's girlfriend once asked him how much wood a woodchuck could chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood. He then shouted, "HOW DARE YOU RHYME IN THE PRESENCE OF CHUCK NORRIS!" and ripped out her throat. Holding his girlfriend's bloody throat in his hand he bellowed, "Don't fuck with Chuck!" Two years and five months later he realized the irony of this statement and laughed so hard that anyone within a hundred mile radius of the blast went deaf. | |||
| Norris has portrayed an ] Major in '']'', Army Colonel in ''Missing in Action'', and a ] Captain during flashback scenes in his T.V. hit series '']'' | |||
| In 1959 Stephen Hawking became the first and only person to outsmart Chuck Norris. He learned his lesson. | |||
| Chuck Norris doesn't understand why you should consult your doctor if your erection lasts for more than 4 hours. His erections have been known to last for up to 15 days. | |||
| ] ] has stated that Norris is his favorite actor. | |||
| Every story from every film Chuck Norris has been in has actually happened to him at some point in his life. The people he kills on screen really die. | |||
| Chuck Norris once did a movie with Clint Eastwood, and there came a disagreement between the 2 stars. Chuck Norris bent Eastwood over a chair and raped him. Chuck Norris calls this "tough love". | |||
| Chuck Norris got sick of hearing Michael Jackson's hit song Thriller, so he gave hime a roundhouse kick to the balls. Micheal Jackson's voice became permantely high pitched; he lost all color pigments in his skin; and his nose fell off. | |||
| When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Chuck Norris. | |||
| Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants. | |||
| Chuck Norris is 1/8th Cherokee. This has nothing to do with ancestry, the man ate a fucking Indian. | |||
| Chuck Norris once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the first 45 minutes having sex with his waitress. | |||
| The role of Alf, from the hit 80s TV show of the same name was actually played by Chuck Norris' penis. | |||
| When Chuck Norris was in middle school, his English teacher assigned an essay: "What is Courage?" Chuck Norris received an "A+" for writing only the words "Chuck Norris" and promptly turning in the paper. | |||
| Filming on location for Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris brought a stillborn baby lamb back to life by giving it a prolonged beard rub. Shortly after the farm animal sprang back to life and a crowd had gathered, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the animal, breaking its neck, to remind the crew once more that Chuck giveth, and the good Chuck, he taketh away. | |||
| Ever heard of the saying, "you can't squeeze blood from a stone?" Chuck Norris hasn't. There's a reason for that. | |||
| It was once believed that Chuck Norris actually lost a fight to a pirate, but that is a lie, created by Chuck Norris himself to lure more pirates to him. | |||
| The quickest way to a man's heart is with Chuck Norris's fist. | |||
| When someone says,"I traded blows with Chuck Norris," what that really means is Chuck gave them a mean roundhouse to the face before making them suck his dick. | |||
| Macgyver can build an airplane out of gum and paper clips, but Chuck Norris can kill him and take it | |||
| Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck Norris | |||
| Chuck Norris wrote every single edition of the Choose Your Own Adventure books. He wrote them all under pennames to hide the fact that they are autobiographical. | |||
| Chuck Norris wrote the bible, as a joke to the world... but no one got it. | |||
| The story of Paul Bunyan and his blue ox, is based on the true story of Chuck Norris and his throbing penis. | |||
| After much debate, President Truman decided to drop the atomic bomb on Hiroshima rather than the alternative of sending Chuck Norris. His reasoning? It was more "humane". | |||
| In the movie "Back to the Future" they used Chuck Norris' Delorean to go back into time and into the future. When they gave it back to him with a scratch on it he was angry and roundhouse kicked Michael J. Fox, which years later was the cause of his Parkinson's disease. | |||
| Chuck Norris always has sex on the first date. Always. The only time he didn't was in 1941, otherwise known as the beginning of the Holocaust. | |||
| ==Filmography== | ==Filmography== | ||
| ] | ] | ||
Revision as of 18:46, 8 December 2005
Carlos Ray Norris Jr., known as Chuck Norris, (born March 10, 1940), is a martial artist, an American action movie actor and Hollywood star.
Biography
Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.
The term "carnivore" was invented after Chuck Norris was spotted at a carnival eating babies.
Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting infers the probability of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.
Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.
Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.
A blind man once stepped on Chuck Norris' shoe. Chuck replied, "Don't you know who I am? I'm Chuck Norris!" The mere mention of his name cured this man blindness. Sadly the first, last, and only thing this man ever saw, was a fatal roundhouse delivered by Chuck Norris.
The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.
Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.
Chuck Norris can make a woman climax by simply pointing at her and saying "booya".
To prove it isn't that big of a deal to beat cancer. Chuck Norris smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and aquired 7 different kinds of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes. Beat that, Lance Armstrong.
The grass is always greener on the other side, unless Chuck Norris has been there. In that case the grass is most likely soaked in blood and tears.
Chuck Norris's girlfriend once asked him how much wood a woodchuck could chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood. He then shouted, "HOW DARE YOU RHYME IN THE PRESENCE OF CHUCK NORRIS!" and ripped out her throat. Holding his girlfriend's bloody throat in his hand he bellowed, "Don't fuck with Chuck!" Two years and five months later he realized the irony of this statement and laughed so hard that anyone within a hundred mile radius of the blast went deaf.
In 1959 Stephen Hawking became the first and only person to outsmart Chuck Norris. He learned his lesson.
Chuck Norris doesn't understand why you should consult your doctor if your erection lasts for more than 4 hours. His erections have been known to last for up to 15 days.
Every story from every film Chuck Norris has been in has actually happened to him at some point in his life. The people he kills on screen really die.
Chuck Norris once did a movie with Clint Eastwood, and there came a disagreement between the 2 stars. Chuck Norris bent Eastwood over a chair and raped him. Chuck Norris calls this "tough love".
Chuck Norris got sick of hearing Michael Jackson's hit song Thriller, so he gave hime a roundhouse kick to the balls. Micheal Jackson's voice became permantely high pitched; he lost all color pigments in his skin; and his nose fell off.
When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
Chuck Norris is 1/8th Cherokee. This has nothing to do with ancestry, the man ate a fucking Indian.
Chuck Norris once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the first 45 minutes having sex with his waitress.
The role of Alf, from the hit 80s TV show of the same name was actually played by Chuck Norris' penis.
When Chuck Norris was in middle school, his English teacher assigned an essay: "What is Courage?" Chuck Norris received an "A+" for writing only the words "Chuck Norris" and promptly turning in the paper.
Filming on location for Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris brought a stillborn baby lamb back to life by giving it a prolonged beard rub. Shortly after the farm animal sprang back to life and a crowd had gathered, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the animal, breaking its neck, to remind the crew once more that Chuck giveth, and the good Chuck, he taketh away.
Ever heard of the saying, "you can't squeeze blood from a stone?" Chuck Norris hasn't. There's a reason for that.
It was once believed that Chuck Norris actually lost a fight to a pirate, but that is a lie, created by Chuck Norris himself to lure more pirates to him.
The quickest way to a man's heart is with Chuck Norris's fist.
When someone says,"I traded blows with Chuck Norris," what that really means is Chuck gave them a mean roundhouse to the face before making them suck his dick.
Macgyver can build an airplane out of gum and paper clips, but Chuck Norris can kill him and take it
Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck Norris
Chuck Norris wrote every single edition of the Choose Your Own Adventure books. He wrote them all under pennames to hide the fact that they are autobiographical.
Chuck Norris wrote the bible, as a joke to the world... but no one got it.
The story of Paul Bunyan and his blue ox, is based on the true story of Chuck Norris and his throbing penis.
After much debate, President Truman decided to drop the atomic bomb on Hiroshima rather than the alternative of sending Chuck Norris. His reasoning? It was more "humane".
In the movie "Back to the Future" they used Chuck Norris' Delorean to go back into time and into the future. When they gave it back to him with a scratch on it he was angry and roundhouse kicked Michael J. Fox, which years later was the cause of his Parkinson's disease.
Chuck Norris always has sex on the first date. Always. The only time he didn't was in 1941, otherwise known as the beginning of the Holocaust.
Filmography
- The Wrecking Crew (1969)
- Way of the Dragon (1972)
- Daniel McCaulley: the story of the slut (1973) (documentary)
- The Student Teachers (1973)
- Slaughter in San Francisco (1974)
- The Warrior Within (1976) (documentary)
- Bruce Lee, the Legend (1977) (documentary)
- Breaker! Breaker! (1977)
- Good Guys Wear Black (1978)
- Ray Charles and the Giant Sandwich (1978)
- A Force of One (1979)
- The Octagon (1980)
- An Eye for an Eye (1981)
- Silent Rage (1982)
- Forced Vengeance (1982)
- Lone Wolf McQuade (1983)
- Missing in Action (1984)